First Time, First Experience

Thursday, March 11, 2010 at 9:25 PM
I read an interesting article a few months ago, when I was fresh from my breakup. It registered with me intellectually, but I don't think I really grasped the meaning of it until today. According to the article, first experiences really shape how you view things. They can build up your confidence, or tear it down. For example, if the first time you ask a girl out on a date, she turns you down in a humiliating manner, you're likely to be fearful of trying again.

For the past few months I've been thinking that I've lost my desire to do things with my life. I still enjoyed activities both alone and with friends, but I just really didn't have any motivation or plan for my future. Right now I'm basically in limbo; I'm sitting back in my hometown, on a indefinite break from MIT, with no plans to look for a full-time position anywhere. The thought of going back to MIT to finish my degree was just repulsive. The idea of working a desk job at some big company just felt like a waste of time.

I am now suspicious that I'm just afraid. Afraid of taking the risk involved in moving away again and trying something, whether it's school or work. People pointed out that moving to Boston was my first real experience away from the familiarity of home, though I always disregarded that. I'd lived away from my parents for so long, and I'd even moved down South for a summer once, on my own. But after reading that article, it's possible that my "first time" trying the unknown ended up a disaster, and it made me adverse to trying new things again.

If this is true, then it's much easier for me to overcome the doldrums that I'm in right now. The quickest way to beat fear is to ignore it and plow ahead. I can't really let one bad experience ruin my world view can I?

- Howitzer


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