Howitzer

There really is no user manual to life. I'm slowly accepting that it is normal to be unsure about my future.

I haven't been writing to this blog recently. I guess I haven't had much time. That definitely needs to be remedied though, soon.

Ah...I'm in such a good mood right now. I just woke up from having some bizarre dreams. Then, Maggie tonight, plus moving in to new apartment, plus new classes starting soon...OH AND COLLEGE FOOTBAW.

I read somewhere, that people are more inclined to help when there is no promise of reward afterwards. The logic being, if you're offered rewards, you feel indignant at the implication that incentives are needed for you to offer your time. Which made sense, when I thought about it.

Sitting on the steps of MIT, eating ice cream cake. Dusk gives the sky a deep blue color, with highlights of gold from the setting sun. I had a long day today, and just being able to pause and enjoy some ice cream feels really good. I watch the people pass through the busy intersection, in between the cars that whiz through. For now at least, it feels like life has been put on pause.

Happy Fourth of July!

Saw a Chevrolet Volt on MIT campus yesterday! I wasn't even aware they were out yet. That was a cool experience.

I'm in a really good mood today. No homework to work on today, and I have some time tonight to cook. Maybe a little starcraft with Eric to cap my day. It helps that Boston is warming up now. Temperatures are reaching into the 70'sF, and the trees are in full bloom. There are lots of peach or cherry blossom trees now. I took a walk on the Charles river the other day, after a lazy lunch, and viewed the flowering trees on the other side. Truly beautiful. I should try to get a picture of them tomorrow, before all the blossoms wither away.

"Discipline is what you do when no one else is looking." - We are all accountable to ourselves for our conduct.

Jonathan Robinson saw the tornado moving toward his mobile home in Dunn, grabbed his cousin's 3-month-old son and dashed for a closet in his bedroom. But as he dove for safety, the twister took his home apart around him and swept the baby into the dark, swirling afternoon sky.

No matter how much pressure there is at school, there's always time for Michigan Football. Here's a clip from the Big 10 blog at ESPN:

There's a lot of pressure at school right now. I can describe myself as "managing" my work. I'm unable to finish everything on my plate right now, so I have to leave parts of homework unfinished every week. Meanwhile, I still haven't finished my quantum exam, which I need to do to finish up my class from my first semester at MIT. Also, I got chewed out by my advisor today.

My wardrobe of jeans have been with me for a long time, with the newest addition in 2008(!). However, they are starting to really fall apart. Holes formed in front of both pockets of one pair of jeans. Another pair had a small tear from a motorcycle accident(non-serious), which grew larger over time. And most pairs of my jeans have rips at the bottom of the inseam, probably because I walk with my feet balanced beneath me. I probably rub my jeans with every step I take.

I spend so much time with my motorcycle that from time to time, I feel a connection with it. I almost look at it lovingly, like a pet...or a friend. It takes me places that I'm unable to go on my own. My motorcycle and I roam the streets of Boston late at night when everyone else is sleeping. We visit nearby bays and beaches on sunny days.

I am the stone that the builder refused
I am the visual,
the inspiration,
that made lady sing the blues

I'm the spark that makes your idea bright
the same spark
that lights the dark
so that you can know your left from your right

I am the ballot in your box
the bullet in the gun
that inner glow
that lets you know
to call your brother "son"

The story that just begun
the promise of what's to come
and imma remain a soldier
til' the war is won (won)

...I feel very aware of my alone-ness. What made me realize that was the absence of any night time activities (the bar.) this weekend. A few friends happened to be out of town this week, and another friend who was supposed to visit couldn't make it to town, so I ended up having no real plans. Even though I was satisfied with the things I did this weekend (eat BBQ, workshop, motorcycle), I still felt twinges of not belonging anywhere. Hence, my feeling of loneliness. I guess most people feel like they have their family? I don't really have that feeling for my family, and I've always believed the disconnection isolated me from everyone around me. In any case, whenever I feel lonely, there's a desperation in me, to find a place where I belong. Of course, the reason I feel lonely in the first place is because I don't feel like I belong. So I end up shutting out everything beyond myself, and after a short while I don't feel lonely anymore. I guess self-focus is important here.

I went back to Ann Arbor to visit this past weekend. Actually, I'm still here, but I'm leaving in the evening for Boston. Being back is in some ways stressful, because I have to struggle to schedule time to meet friends. UM isn't on spring break right now, and so the people here are only really free during the weekend. Also, I never feel completely "at home", mostly because there's the constant need of filling up my time with activities. That way I don't "waste" my precious time here.

This turned out to be pretty serious, after all. I remember when I woke up the morning of the earthquake, the headlines quoted "dozens" may be dead. Today, five days after, the news reports show more than 10,000. Not to mention, there's an enormous nuclear crisis now, which is what I'm really scared of. Tokyo is only a few hundred miles from one of the nuclear plants. It doesn't take much radiation to make an area unsustainable for life. Imagine if the life expectancy in Tokyo were dropped 10%, due to cancer and other radiation related hazards. Who would want to live there? Unsustainable radiation levels could cause Tokyo to wither and die off in the long term. What a tragic thought. Tokyo is a massive mega city, basically multiple major cities combined into one big metropolis.

In the spirit of St. Patrick's day coming up soon, Starmarket is having a sale on everything you need to make a boiled dinner. $1.49/lb corned beef, and similar prices for 5lb bags of potatoes and carrots. It's ridiculous. I think I just may have 4-5 meals for about $8.